Holy Jesus.  I really have got to stop reading celebrity gossip pages.  It's embarassing.  Seriously.




So I applied to grad school.  How incredible bizarre.  I applied to NYPoo.  Of course, since they only take like four writers in the whole entire world per year, I am considering this my practice round.  I am also going to apply to the New School.  Gee, I hope I am new enough for them.

What else have I been doing in life?  Well yesterday I used an entire roll of paper towels soaking up urine.  Yep, it's true.  Some child came to me to tell me that another child had peed ALL OVER the floor of the bathroom at work.  What the fuck?  Like seriously, ALL OVER the floor.  the only evidence that the child had even attempted the toilet were the drops all over the seat.  So I begin cleaning rapidly.  And when I say rapidly, picture what you would do were there now THREE children doing the peepee dance waiting for you to finish.  I used half the roll of paper towels soaking up the urine and then the other half soaking up the disinfectant spray I poured all over the floor.  In the end, three children were able to urinate in peace.


Later that day, the child who first noticed the urine was chatting with me in my office.  His seven year old self told me "Oh, they do that at school all the time."
I said, "What?"
He said, "Yeah, they be like, sssssssss, sss, sss"
(swinging his hips from side to side and bending his knees to show me the dance they do") "What?!"  "Oh yeah, like all the time they be like, ssss, sssss!"
At this point, the little boy's older cousin comes in, which gives me just enough time to form the question, "WHAT?!"
He luckily takes this to mean "they do this at your school?"
"Oh yeah,"  his TEN year old self answers, "they be like ssss"
(not swinging his hips and doing no dance)
which I took to mean they still do, but with less vigor.


So I'm walking home from work telling friend this story on the phone.
I say, "I'm going to go home and-"
She says, "Take a shower?
I said, "Peel off my skin."
So we talk about how clearly little boys are secretely wolves who need to mark territory every second for fear their teeny penises may fall off.  As we are cackling I pass a man pressing himself against the building I have just left.  He is well dressed.  He looks embarassed.  He turns, zips up, grabs his SUITCASE and continues his journey to his work/toiletless house.

umm, WHAT?!